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<title>i'm beginning to think i imagined you all along by AnotherGayEllen</title>
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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29558154">i'm beginning to think i imagined you all along</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/AnotherGayEllen/pseuds/AnotherGayEllen'>AnotherGayEllen</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>what the hell would i be without you? [6]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Falsettos - Lapine/Finn</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>(very brief but better safe than sorry), Angst, Character Study, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Heavy Angst, Hurt No Comfort, Mention of Suicidal Ideation, Post-Canon, Stream of Consciousness, this starts kind of off but it picks up i promise, yeah i should have led with that this is very much a fic about grief</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-02-19</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-02-19</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-18 05:01:53</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Major Character Death</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>685</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29558154</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/AnotherGayEllen/pseuds/AnotherGayEllen</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Now that Whizzer is dead, life rarely feels real anymore. It feels like he's looking at himself in a memory, in a nightmare, in a thought. He's trapped in an alternate reality that is trying to convince him that is his, but something is terribly off. This isn't real, this isn't his life, because that would be insane. It would be devastatingly, unthinkably, absolutely insane for Whizzer to be dead.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>past Whizzer Brown/Marvin</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>what the hell would i be without you? [6]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1934221</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>7</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>13</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>i'm beginning to think i imagined you all along</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Marvin vaguely wishes he had an addiction. That he smoked or liked alcohol or, hell, even food, too much. A very dumb thought. He just thought maybe it’d be nice to have something, even self-destructive, that’d make him feel good for a little while. But he knows it’s pointless, addictions don’t make you feel good, they make you numb. And Marvin is already plenty numb.</p><p>It feels like he doesn’t feel things anymore. Sometimes he’ll watch tv and snort at some dumb joke. He’ll drag himself to the supermarket and think the weather’s nice. He’ll sing along to the songs he listens to, even songs from bands Whizzer got him into. But it’s all surface level, it's all shallow. Deep down, it all feels the same, everyday, all the time.</p><p>When he thinks of Whizzer is the only time his emotions feel true and complete. Not shallow and not fleeting, not meaningless or faux. When he feels grief, when he's overcome with anger at a nonsensical universe or unresponsive God, submerged in indescribable despair at realizing for the hundredth time that he will never see Whizzer again, those are the only moments that he knows are real.</p><p>Because now that Whizzer is dead, life rarely feels real anymore. It feels like he's looking at himself in a memory, in a nightmare, in a thought. He's trapped in an alternate reality that is trying to convince him that is his, but something is terribly off. This isn't real, this isn't his life, because that would be insane. It would be devastatingly, unthinkably, absolutely insane for Whizzer to be dead.</p><p> </p><p>The more time passes, the more it feels like nothing will ever change, and he knows it's not true. He knows there will come a day again where life won't feel like a mind-numbing nightmare, where he will feel deeply, and authentically, not only his sorrows. But the wait for that day to arrive is exhausting.</p><p>It's exhausting going through the same day over and over again because everything feels the same all the time. It's exhausting not being able to sleep because you can't manage to let your mind go unoccupied long enough without making you feel like wanting to kill yourself. It's exhausting to repeatedly and tiredly look for closure he can't find because there isn't one.</p><p>Every time Marvin tries to find meaning or sense to Whizzer’s death, it’s nothing but a futile attempt to process, to deal with the unbearable pain of how much he misses him, of how much he wishes he was here. But the truth is that it doesn’t matter. Whether Whizzer is nothing or everything now that he is dead, doesn't matter. It doesn’t change anything. It doesn’t make anything better. Because every time Marvin thinks he’s made his peace with it, the next day comes and his apartment is still empty, and Whizzer is still dead and it hurts all the same.</p><p>Maybe that’s why it doesn’t feel real. Because Marvin will try to find closure where there is none, expect the credits to roll and this state of unreality and unwavering thought about someone who doesn't exist anymore to come to an end, when the truth is that he’ll just have to deal with it every day, for God knows how long, relive the unshakable pain of knowing Whizzer is dead over and over again, and that all he can do is wait it out and try to keep himself alive until it doesn’t hurt so much.</p><p>There is no credits roll, there is no end of scene, there is no conclusion. There wasn't one when Whizzer died, painfully and horrifyingly and prematurely in a hospital room, and there will never be one, not at the funeral, not at Marvin’s bittersweet acknowledgment that he’s lucky to have met Whizzer at all, neither at this very realization that the only way out is through, three months later. He knows tomorrow he’ll wake up and hurt as if he’s found out Whizzer is dead all over again, and no amount of reasoning will change that. </p><p>There is no closure.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>me: i'm done projecting my feelings onto fictional characters and turning it into content. it's therapy for me now.<br/>also me: anyways here is the most shameless vent fic i have ever written </p><p>i really didn't think the fic this month would be a good ol' heavy angst but i haven't slept and don't plan to so here we are.</p><p>anyways, thanks for reading, if you've read all of the series maybe i should let you know I'll probably not be adding to it after this (or at least i hope i won't) and i appreciate everyone who enjoyed (or was thoroughly hurt by) it &lt;3 see yah in a non-angst fic hopefully</p><p>title from "cornerstone" by arctic monkeys</p></blockquote></div></div>
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